As I write this letter to you, my heart is full of helplessness and confusion.
You have always been my role model on the way forward. Your tenacity, transparency and calmness always give me strength when I am in trouble. After thinking about it, I can only confide in you, and I sincerely ask for your guidance to help me get out of the predicament.
I am a graduate of a well-known 985 clinical medicine school in Wuhan with a master's and doctoral degree. I have worked in the nephrology department of a well-known tertiary hospital in Wuhan for nine years.
I once stayed at the fever clinic and isolation ward during the epidemic, and I still stayed at my post when I was infected with COVID-19. I never slacked off at all. He was also approved for the National Natural Science Foundation of China Youth Fund Project and published several SCI papers.
But fate was particularly harsh on me. I was diagnosed with early-stage breast cancer (June 2023) and early-stage invasive lung cancer (November 2025). I have undergone surgery, chemotherapy, and targeted therapy, and I am still taking medication for treatment.
Nowadays, I still stick to the clinical front line. Although I no longer work night shifts after lung cancer surgery, my physical strength has long been exhausted, my memory has declined, my immunity is extremely poor (it is easy to be infected by patients), I frequently catch colds that do not recover for a long time, I suffer from insomnia for a long time, I can’t sleep all night, and I am physically and mentally exhausted.
My family urged me to transfer to another clinical position, and even had to communicate with the leader in person. My colleagues in the department took care of me, but I often felt guilty that I could not help the department share more tasks.
In 2025, I was assigned to work in the emergency department for several months. Three patients failed to be rescued. I couldn't let go for a long time. I always felt that my compression force was not strong enough and caused their death. I was always reviewing the scene at that time (I developed lymphedema due to continuous compression at the time, and I have not recovered yet).
Now I am nervous every day, afraid of making mistakes, afraid of increasing the patient's pain, and the pressure is very high. Years ago, I made a request to the director for a job transfer to ensure medical safety, but I have yet to receive a reply.
I am extremely confused at the moment: I insist on staying on the clinical front line, but my body is already overwhelmed; I voluntarily leave my job, but I am reluctant to stick to my nine-year career and original intention. More importantly, I am a person who cannot take any time off. Once I have nothing to do, I will feel extremely anxious inside. The feeling of emptiness is more torturous than physical exhaustion.
The transfer was not in sight and I didn't know whether to continue waiting or give up decisively.
My current idea is that if the job transfer cannot be realized, I want to devote myself to charity and do something for breast cancer patients who are in the same predicament as you and me.
Recalling that during chemotherapy and targeted therapy, I had to figure out a lot of discomforts by myself. At that time, I also took the initiative to lend a helping hand and helped patients who were undergoing chemotherapy together solve many practical problems. In my daily clinical work, I am also used to actively communicating with patients and patiently helping them. I often receive letters of thanks from patients. This feeling of being needed makes me feel very valuable.
But I don’t know how to start and how to land.
Long-term insomnia and mental internal consumption have brought me to the verge of collapse. I don’t know how to adjust myself or how to advance my current choices.
Please give me some advice, tell me how to choose now, how to adjust my state and go on firmly.
A confused internal medicine doctor Zhu
Confused Dr. Zhu:
A doctor like you is truly a blessing to our patients.
But now, you are tired. Through the words, I can feel your confusion. You dragged your tired body, wanting to take good care of every patient and share the worries of your colleagues. This sense of responsibility engraved in your bones makes me admire and feel sad.
But, sometimes, letting go is the responsibility.
To those who love you, live well and your existence itself is a gift that can encourage more people.
A doctor who knows how to cherish himself may be able to teach patients how to cherish life. If you are exhausted, those patients who rely on you and trust you will have a large vacancy in a corner of their hearts.
If you take a good rest with a calm mind, you will send a message of goodwill and warmth to the surroundings, and will encourage people who are on the same wavelength as us to put down their baggage, slow down, and move forward slowly. This is value.
If you continue to work hard on the front line, you will convey anxiety to your colleagues. If you forcefully control yourself, that is the greatest unkindness to yourself.
Seeing you is like seeing myself in the past, always shouldering excessive responsibilities, carrying everything that should be carried and shouldn't be carried, and I feel ashamed if I make any mistakes. Because of an excessive sense of responsibility, because I cannot meet my own requirements, because I cannot meet the standards of others, I can't sleep all night.
This is also a kind of arrogance.
Let the world change because of my existence. Why? Why? The world has its own laws of operation. The sun rises in the east and sets in the west, and fireworks in various houses continue. This will not change because of our existence.
Don’t talk about us, no matter how great the heroes are, after Cyrus, Napoleon, and Kangxi, the earth will still turn and history will continue.
Let us remain humble to the world, forget ourselves, look up at the stars, and regard ourselves as a small part of everything.
If you can, if you can, give the world a little blessing of goodwill and good deeds, and send out a little glimmer of light, which will be gathered into the torrent of love in the universe, fireflies will also have power.
If you don’t have the strength for the time being, you might as well put it down for a while. If you still don’t have the strength, put it down for a while. slow down time
Come naturally.
I guess you grew up in a harsh educational environment. You went to medical school and entered well-known hospitals. You faced extreme loads year after year. You didn't allow yourself to make any mistakes. You were overly demanding on yourself and easily felt sorry for others. All your patience was given to others.
In fact, true kindness is not about burning yourself to illuminate others, but about being kind to yourself and also being kind to others. Before burning yourself, fill up your little oil lamp from time to time.
Many people, including you, Dr. Zhu, think that I am transparent and calm.
I am very ashamed. It is true that I have experienced a lot of ups and downs, but frankly speaking, I am often neither transparent nor calm now. I still often worry about trivial matters in life and work, such as the definition of family affection and the value of society.
The more I cared about people and things, the deeper they hurt me.
Fortunately, we have experienced so much and faced life and death issues head-on.
Although I admit that I am not calm, I am not at all ashamed of my lack of transparency and lack of calmness. I accept that I have not practiced well enough, and I will not force myself to accept those things that make me feel moved and create a bad aura as long as I cannot resolve them.
That's how people are, accept everything about themselves calmly, practice step by step, and practice slowly.
I know that I am troubled, so I don’t force myself to accept it. I know that I am tired and let myself stop.
Sometimes, slow is fast, not doing is doing. Even if we do nothing, the world will still exist, and compassion will still exist.
I suggest that you slow down your work pace and find a suitable position. Otherwise, given your personality, your dreams at night will inevitably be connected to the hard work during the day, and you will be unable to get rid of anxiety and insomnia.
Communicate candidly with your leaders, or even with higher-level leaders. When our own attitude is very firm, others can feel it.
It's great to be involved in charity and do something for breast cancer patients who are in the same situation as you and me. Life has no beginning and no destination. Helping other lives will make us feel comfortable physically and mentally. It is a small drop in the world of nothingness.
The glimmer of good we generate for good can resonate with the universe at the same frequency.
You have special advantages.
You are a doctor and a patient, and the choices you make are both a doctor's professional rationality and a patient's empathy. You have taken the initiative to lend a helping hand and helped patients who were undergoing chemotherapy together to solve many practical problems, which shows that you have love and experience. You stuck to your job during the most difficult time in Wuhan, which shows that you are not afraid.
Sometimes, external gains may not be truly valuable. Altruism can make us happy. I write replies to you and friends. On the surface, I am giving, but in fact, I have received too much energy, so I am peaceful and happy.
If possible, you can be a self-media to help patients; you can also leave a private message in the background and leave your contact information. If there are patients in Huazhong, they can find you, seek help, and keep each other warm.
Please remember that I am a comforter and cannot be responsible for your life. I am not the pillar of your life. The only real pillar of a person is yourself.
But we can be a little thought for others, a ray of spring breeze blowing at the end of winter, allowing us to feel the love and pass on the compassion.
You are already great, you don’t have to force yourself to be the star that burns alone and lights up the night sky. Dim once in a while to give the stars time to rest.
Even if you do nothing, you are worthy, you are unique.
I love you, Sister Tan
Saturday, March 14, 2026
(Sister Tan’s email address: yetanbusiness@163.com. The letter authorizes Yetan Finance to use the content of the email. If you reply, the reply will only be made public and will be commented by readers. At the same time, you are authorized to use it for book compilation. Please be careful when writing.)
